The “new” initiative Obama proposed in his 2015 State of the Union address was touted even before the event as a sort of “Robin Hood” plan. (As per usual, he ignored the fact that an actual Robin Hood plan would involve the raiding of an overinflated government and the return of unjustly taken tax money to the people from whom it been wrongly wrested. But I digress…)

In a move that is totally unprecedented by this president (and by that I mean totally precedented, over and over again), Barack Obama stood before Congress and a few million Americans who suffered from either a death wish or insomnia, and said the same thing he has said every year since 2009:

I heart the middle class because <insert warm fuzzy anecdote completely fabricated by speechwriters>.

“ZOMG, people have to give up vacations and *gasp* pizza to pay bills?” Well, yes, Sir, we can't all be the President.

It's not fair that some people have more stuff than others. To fix that, I plan to unfairly take stuff from people who already have it.

If elected – oh, my bad, I totes already won that election – I will take money from people who worked hard because there are a select few people whose money makes money and I have to punish them for investing wisely.

If you are struggling to get by, that's not fair. Because struggle is bad. Also, if you're struggling, it's not because you chose a major like “Womyn's Studies.” It's because George W. Bush is stupid and Mitt Romney is mean.

People should get free education. And by free, I mean that one of those rich people should pay for it for you. And by rich, I mean responsible. Pay no attention to the fact that a flooded education market is the reason you already need an advanced degree to stock shelves art Walmart – which is also evil, by the way, because unions.


I don't really give a rat's ass about veterans – or those still serving, for that matter – but I know how much y'all like to hear that word.

So here it is again: veterans.

Also, I just fired a whole crapload of Captains, so hire them.

Hey, more people have healthcare. Okay, maybe not exactly more people. But different people have healthcare, so that's something, right?

Climate change is bad, y'all. I mean, I know it's not rampaging through Europe, Australia, and the Middle East. I know it's not guilty of mass rape and beheadings. But seriously, people, we're talking about completely unsubstantiated blather regarding dead polar bears and cow farts.

We're totally hunting down terrorists. And by that I mean we're sending them back to the front lines and failing to track their movements accurately. (It feels like we've done this before [cough, cough] Fast and Furious…)

Illegal immigration? What's that?

I have flaws, just like everyone else. LOL no, it's just you guys.

Seriously, though, we're America. We should lead with our values. I mean, I know I voted more than once to let babies who accidentally survive abortions die alone in trash cans, but I'm talking about morality here.

Hey, remember when I won those two elections? And those people I mentioned in the totally fabricated anecdote from the beginning of this speech?

Good times…

G'night, folks, I'll be here for another two years. Except for when I'm on vacation. Or golfing.

Tip your waiters, because you have more than they do and it's not fair!