Yes, alright. I'll come clean. You got me. Fair and square.
You see, right after Indiana passed RFRA, I saw an opportunity to make a lot of cash. Because I have such a close, personal relationship with my respectful friends in the mainstream media, I called ABC affiliate Channel 57 and asked them to send their best reporter to flyover country and find me a stereotypical Christian to cement the narrative about middle America and gay marriage. They eagerly agreed. Alyssa Marino found a town 20 miles southwest of South Bend, Indiana. Acting as though she was simply strolling around, talking to business owners, she was able to get 21 year-old Crystal O'Connor on camera for—get this—a hypothetical question! Although I was initially disappointed that Alyssa only asked a hypothetical question and didn't bring along any gay customers as props to get an actual refusal of service on camera, she assured me that the question was enough. I was also concerned that Crystal O'Connor had said that they would, in fact, serve gay customers, just not cater gay weddings. I was worried that it would seem like they really were trying to decline participating in an activity that didn't jive with what sounded like sincere faith.
“Don't worry Dana,” she said. People won't pay attention enough to notice that it's just a hypothetical question and that no service was actually refused. And those who do will just conflate catering a wedding with serving all gay customers, so it won't matter.”
“But Alyssa,” I asked, “this doesn't seem believable. I mean, I have gay friends and family members. Not a single one of them would ever cater their wedding with pizza. I mean, my gay neighbors held a block party once and had bottle service.” But Alyssa assured me that none of this would matter. So on we pressed.
After the story aired and the backlash began, I tricked all the “Daily Dana” staff into coming up with the GoFundMe fundraiser. In fact, I secretly inplanted the idea into my producer George's brain so that he would come up with the idea before we ever thought of it. It was brilliant.
The account was created and off it went. I promised Marino a 10% cut and Channel 57 a 10% cut. Each of the contributors received 5%.
OK, I'm not being entirely honest with you.
The business owners, the O'Connors? They're all actors. See, I anticipated that there would be some pushback to RFRA. That's why I went back in time with the aid of a recovered DeLorean and established the business years ago and hired Kevin and Crystal O'Connor to pose as store owners and ingratiate themselves into the community. None of this happened by chance. This has been a project in the works for some time. And now, the PizzaTruthers have blown it all to pieces.
So in short, that's what happened.
And if you believe this, I have an amazing bridge to sell you. For sale, popularly known as “The Golden Gate Bridge.”
I'll part with it for whatever the donations are up to now at the GoFundMe account.
Ending thought: It really bothers the militant left how the success of this fundraiser shows that their bullying, fascistic opinions are truly held by a minority.
Also, because we didn't want the blessing to be a burden, we set up the O'Connors with a trusted financial adviser who is volunteering his time for free, named Ed Butowsky. He flies to Indiana Monday to walk the O'Connors through everything, look at their books, and get them set up.
**Forgot to add. Courtney Hoffman? You're awesome.
