*Published with permission from the original author, Simon Rafe.
Breaking News From Washington D.C.: ABC, CBS and NBC have dozens of teams of news crews on high alert, ready to leap into action at an instant's notice. They have been preparing for weeks for the event today, and now they stand ready to bring the full-force of their technology and journalistic skills to bear on ignoring the March For Life.
Experts and journalism-watchers predict the ignoring of this year's March For Life will be the most complete and comprehensive yet, with likely not a single incident going reported. CBS senior news editor Tarquin McSoftwrist promised dilligent efforts to ignore everything related to the March For Life, although he added, “It is, of course, possible that we might cover some minor incident – although we deeply regret this kind of lapse, it is inevitable when trying to not cover such a huge and well-attended event.”
NBC senior analyst Alisdair O'Shackalacka-Jones has promised “wall-to-wall silence” on the subject of the March For Life, saying “this event happens every year, is very-well attended, and is of great importance to the Pro-Life Movement. The very least we can do is ignore it with every ounce of our professional skill and integrity. We know our complete absence of coverage is what our audience expect and demand.”
ABC's teams are working on a number of unrelated stories to cover in order to ensure that there is simply no space left in the line up, thus preventing even accidental coverage. “I think Kim Kardashian might be getting a new poodle, or a terrapin, or something,” said Brock von Lardbacon, ABC spokesman, “and I am certain Joe Biden will be saying something asinine. Uncle Joe always comes through!”
In contrast to the other networks, FOX reports that it will be covering the the March For Life. FOX anchor Aphrodite Pandorasen said the network will “be running a number of stories explaining how the March means our viewers should buy gold, especially from foreign places like Youz . . . Ooooz . . . betch? Youzbetchiz-tan? Is that it? And, of course, angry middle-aged white guys will continue to warn how Barack Obama is going to steal your pig. Is my makeup still good?”