As most of you know, my family and I relocated to Dallas in December to work for Glenn Beck and The Blaze. Everything is bigger in Texas, so the saying goes, and Texas will shove this in your face from the bigger traffic to the giant Texas-shaped cutting boards (bigger than the United States cutting board) at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. In Texas the ants aren’t just ants, they’re FIRE ANTS and they will cut choo. The June bugs are the size of golf balls and every night they kamikaze by the hundreds into my windows, so hard that it sounds like hail. There was a wolf spider in my backyard and I passed out and died and am posting this from Heaven. And then there’s this thing:

WHAT IS THIS I don’t even know. I was on the phone with my mother and out of the corner of my eye saw what I thought was a humming bird drinking from my petunias. I walked over to it gently and initially silently bragged on myself … to myself … for being so stealthy that I didn’t frighten it off; but then I noticed that it was obviously a deformed humming bird. It had the long beak like hummingbirds but legs? Where are its legs?? warned the tiny voice in my head. It kept zipping around, feet from me, drinking from the flowers. Its little wings flapped as hard and furious as those of a hummingbird’s but the absence of legs and its turd brown color set off alarms in my head. ALERT. ALERT. NOT A HUMMINGBIRD. I REPEAT, NOT A HUMMINGBIRD. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Chris took a picture of it. I have no idea what it is, still.