This girl! (Backstory)

I plan on asking every cab driver in whose cab I ride whether they did any of these things in the backseat:

– Changed a diaper
– Used hand lotion/body cream/anti-fungal cream
– Sat in the back after playing golf
– Got mud in their floorboards
– Ate bacon/hot dog/cured meat
– Drank water

See, “nitrates” in all these things will trigger the TSA’s Official Terrorist Alarm whilst I undergo their security screening and I don’t want to be held responsible for some terrorist cab driver’s water-swilling, hand-lotioning ways. I once accidentally took a bullet in my carry-on for a cross-country trip but look out, hand lotion.

This guy got a finger wagging from the TSA for showing the insipid weakness of their Backscatter machines. I thought the machines were perfect? To hear the TSA explain it, they don’t douse your body with a questionable amount of radiation, they pelt your body with cupcakes and sugar. Who doesn’t love cupcakes and sugar? Terrorists, that’s who. I kid you not, in Dallas I had a TSA agent shout at me that “radio waves aren’t radiation.”

Scientists spoke out against the Backscatters, but luckily the CEO knows the President well enough to fly around with him. I’m sure that helps in bypassing pesky health certifications.

“But, but you’re already exposed to radiation while flying!” Well then by all means, SIGN ME UP FOR MORE. Why stop at body scanners? Do you have any uranium I can handle?

I forgot to tell you the reason for the fun: I’m headed to Las Vegas to speak at Right Online. I’m looking forward to the event and it will mark the second time I’ve heard Sarah Palin speak in person.