The de-masculinization of America. This editorial appeared in the New York Times. The proper title is “27 Ways To Be A Beta Man.” Here are 27 ways to be a modern man below.

1. The modern man doesn't buy shoes for his spouse because she's an empowered, independent woman who can buy her own damn shoes.

2. The modern man is confident enough in himself that if he has a bad day he doesn't care if it shows.

3. The modern man doesn't obsess over the decibels of a popcorn crunch during a movie.

4. The modern man doesn’t char a steak. He knows his cuts, knows his grill, and turns out a perfectly-cooked rare steak every time—unless he's doing a Philadelphia..

5. The modern man can't fit his gigantic truck with balls on the gate in a regular spot so he has to park way far away and sort of take up two spaces.

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure the alarm is set and the Glock secured on the nightstand is loaded.

7. The modern man will drink anything he damn well pleases, particularly single malt scotches.

8. The modern man doesn't confuse the abbreviations of modern day parlance with gaucheness. To do so is gauche.

9. Having a good woman and kids makes the modern man more of a complete person. He pities husbands whose wives aren't as hot as his.

10. The modern man makes sure his kids check that the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

11. The modern man is the honey badger of Twitter.

12. The modern man washes with pure testosterone and Head and Shoulders.

13. The modern man listens to Johnny Cash, Ted Nugent, and Zeppelin.

14. The modern man will check whatever his woman texts him to get at the store because she forgot.

15. The modern man doesn't even know what flooring he has, he cares so little for interior design. The flooring in his restored '66 Barracuda is black carpeting.

16. The modern man sleeps closest to biometric nightstand safe so if an intruder trips the alarm the modern man can blow his head off.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? Hell no. Chunk it out with a tablespoon, princess.

18. The modern man regularly buffs the black leather on his Luccheses.

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers for his lady when it's her birthday, mother's day, or when he wants to get laid.

20. The modern man is never the little spoon.

21. The modern man doesn’t let his daughter eat an apple doughnut in his Barracuda.

22. The modern man sends his dog to retrieve the newspaper.

23. The modern man has all of Michael Bay’s films on Blu-ray.

24. The modern man always has a portable battery to charge his phone.

25. The modern man turned half of his basement into an armory. The sign outside his house reads “We don't call 9-1-1” over the silhouette of a 1911.

26. The modern man cried when he married, when his kids were born, and when his son keyed his Barracuda by accident.

27. The modern man impregnated his wife with his slow dance skills. He's that good.

*BONUS: The modern man has balls.

**DOUBLE BONUS (by popular demand and major oversight): The modern man doesn't need a scarf. His beard keeps him warm.